finger point

The ability to truly look at your personality, including any negative behaviors, openly and honestly, is a challenge and a gift.  It is also very difficult to learn how to change the direction of the finger pointing toward someone else to pointing that same finger toward yourself.

However, once behavior accountability is learned and accepted, there is so much more room in your head and heart for love and forgiveness. It takes patience and kindness to achieve this level of self-awareness.  I know it’s much easier to play the blame game and depend on other people’s behaviors to avoid looking at our own. However, to become the best version of yourself, this must be practiced.  There is a level of vulnerability that happens when you remove the veil of denial.  We all know our truth, and when it comes to our personality, refusing to take off the rose-colored glasses can make looking at who we are a little more palatable.  I learned this lesson the hard way, however, the result provided me with an increased self-awareness, acceptance and love.

Many years ago, when our youngest son played soccer, it was common for all the parents to hang out before practices and games. Sometimes, we would meet in the parking lot and have cocktails to be social. It was so much fun, and since we were spending every weekend together, bonds were formed. Over the course of the season, I became very good friends with another mom and spent a lot of time with her. I valued our relationship and considered us to be close friends.  Then one day, I was dumped.  She stopped answering calls, avoided me at practices and, basically, acted as if we didn’t know each other. This was a new experience and I had no idea how to handle it properly. From my perspective, she just stopped our friendship without justification.  It quickly became awkward in social settings and at the games.  I was hurt and angry and found myself analyzing her behaviors and how they were negatively affecting me.  In fact, the demise of our friendship became a topic of conversation with the others. I was back in Jr. High!

To this day, I am still unsure whether I was “dumped” and, the truth is, it really doesn’t matter. What was poignant, was the ability to recognize that the demise of our friendship triggered adult insecurities and childhood traumas.  It wasn’t until I started attending workshops, reading books, writing and looking inward, that I was able to reflect back on this experience and recognize that what happened with this gal was just a projection of how I felt internally.  Despite knowing that my negative behaviors were not the most appropriate way to handle the situation, I still acted out because of the embarrassment for thinking I was “dumped.”

By the end of the year, I was experiencing feelings of regret and felt a huge calling to speak with her. I was consumed with how she made me feel and what I may have done to create this behavior.  At the time, I couldn’t see that my reaction toward her was the result of negative stories I was creating in my mind.  My goal to meet with her was to gain clarification and apologize for anything I may have done to create this situation. Confrontation is very scary and risky, but I knew, that to change the part of my personality I didn’t like, I had to meet with her.

It wasn’t until after our lunch, and I truly listened to her perspective, that I faced myself in the mirror and stopped projecting my fears, insecurities, and jealousy onto her.  So, was I dumped? I don’t know…but, what I know for sure, is that I was given an opportunity to gain self-realization and learn that when you project your lack of self-love onto others and you accuse them of not loving you enough, all you feel is unhappiness and insecurity.

The ability to truly look at your personality, including any negative behaviors, openly and honestly, is a challenge and a gift.  It is also very difficult to learn how to change the direction of the finger pointing toward someone else to pointing that same finger toward yourself.   

What was poignant, was the ability to recognize that the demise of our friendship triggered adult insecurities and childhood traumas.  It wasn’t until I started attending workshops, reading books, writing and looking inward, that I was able to reflect back on this experience and recognize that what happened with this gal was just a projection of how I felt internally.

 

Here’s the love

How we truly feel on the inside will dictate our behaviors on the outside.  No one can make you feel anything…it’s our responsibility to provide love and nurturing to ourselves in order be a better friend and human.  And, if someone doesn’t want to be your friend…it may have nothing to do with you…and yet, it may!

Jules With Love small